Find Meaning in Your Suffering
Creating purpose from your struggles, this week's challenge: choose to be alone, and a quote on loneliness
Welcome to the Do Hard Shit Edition of The Art of Becoming.
Every Monday, we explore what it means to lead a happier, wiser, and more prosperous life by doing hard shit. We learn to be more resilient and embrace discomfort in a complex and challenging world. And maybe, better people for it.
I hope you join me.
What you need to know
Framework: Use pain to find purpose.
This week’s challenge: choosing to be alone. It’s good for you.
Quote: The art of being alone.
Life, by definition, is painful.
There is always struggle and suffering. Life started that way, and our lives will probably end that way.
And if you are going to suffer, then as Friedrich Nietzsche said, you need to find meaning in the suffering. From your pain, you create purpose. The reason does not have to be perfect. It has to mean something to you.
“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”— Bob Marley.
Most people allow the pain of a single event or years of abuse to dictate who they will be for the rest of their lives.
They blame their failures on their childhood or the wrong parents.
They weren’t rich or smart enough.
Or born with the right skills, talents, skin color, gender, or class.
They married the wrong person, had the wrong children, skipped for a promotion, or never been on a date.
Maybe they had cancer, COVID-19, lupus, or any other disease. And they use it as an excuse to give up, not to find love, a good job, or friends.
They become a permanent victim. For them, there is always something wrong.
Do you do that?
Using Your Pain
I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness; I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too. I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more. —Anne Frank
Helen Keller was born blind and deaf. She became the first deaf and blind person to earn a Bachelor of Arts degree. She wrote 12 books and many articles and advocated for women’s rights and racial equality. Hellen Keller was a founding member of the American Civil Liberties Union.
The philosopher Epictetus was a slave for 30 years. His works changed many lives. Admiral James Stockdale credits Epictetus’s teachings for helping him survive eight years as a prisoner of war.
Both Helen Keller and Epictetus found meaning in their suffering. Their lives are an example of finding meaning in tragedy.
Though I am not blind or understand what it means to be enslaved, I experienced tragedy and pain. My parents found joy in beating my siblings and me with a barbell. They burned our fingers with cigarette lighters and wandered into our bedrooms too often at night.
And yet, each of us took the scars of our childhood to forge a better life. We decided not to pass on our parents’ sins.
The tragedy of my life made me a writer, sometime poet, leader, car salesman, recruiter, fundraiser, Man of the Year at my church, husband, father, and friend. Without that abuse, I would never have found the love of my life.
In my suffering, I came to see and understand it in others. I know what it means to go hungry or live in fear for your life. So, I am compassionate when I see another man, woman, or child fighting for an even slightly better life.
Here are my thoughts when it comes to real suffering:
Find meaning in your struggle.
Do not allow your past to define your future story.
Choose to use tragedy and struggle as the reason you will not suffer anymore.
Choose not to cause pain in others.
Help others when they suffer.
A good friend had two twin daughters who died of cystic fibrosis two years apart. It would have been easy for him to give up, blame the universe, and hate God and everyone, but he didn’t. He chose to build homes for the homeless and to teach his faith.
To this day, he struggles, but he still finds meaning in it.
He sat with me when my daughter was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. And he cried and prayed. He told me he would do anything to help me. And he did.
When I see other people suffer, I follow my friend’s path. And cry with them. Whatever needs to be done, I do.
I hope you do the same.
This Week’s Challenge: Choose to Be Alone
It’s easy to get caught up in the messiness of life.
Between work, family, and social obligations, it can feel like there’s never a moment of peace. But sometimes, stepping back and choosing to be alone is critical.
Being alone offers you time to get into the dark space I call your mind.
Everyone is so caught up with garbage from the news, what Elon Musk will say next, if Trump will be indicted again, or who Joe Rogan will have on his podcast.
But none of that helps you.
Social media, other people’s opinions, TV, the news, and a thousand other unimportant things program our brains for failure and to be weak.
When you choose to be alone (not lonely, that’s different), away from technology or any other distraction, you learn the difference between hedonism and joy, how to focus, and most importantly, how to treasure your most significant relationship: the one you have with yourself.
The Challenge: Every day this week, spend at least 30 minutes alone, without any technology or music playing in the background. Reading a book doesn’t count. You must be completely alone. My alone time is running for an hour or two.
Choose to be alone this week and watch your mind (and life) change.
A Quote I'm Pondering
Loneliness has more to do with our perceptions than how much company we have. It’s just as possible to be painfully lonely surrounded by people as it is to be content with little social contact. Some people need extended periods of time alone to recharge, others would rather give themselves electric shocks than spend a few minutes with their thoughts. —Shane Parrish [Source]
After I wrote today’s challenge, Choosing To Be Alone, by sheer luck, I found Shane Parrish’s article The Art of Being Alone. He writes about how to turn loneliness into deep, enriching solitude. Shane’s article is written in the vein of Thomas Merton’s book Disputed Questions, where he contemplates how solitude is not being separate from others but a state shared with them.
Even though he may be physically alone, the solitary remains united to others and lives in profound solidarity with them, but on a deeper and mystical level. —Thomas Merton, Disputed Questions
Solitude is not a state of punishment or an inability to connect, it is a doorway to understanding who you are, and why you are, it becomes a foundation of sympathy with other men and women.
Thanks for reading. I hope you find grace in your time alone.
Michael
